What Do I Want to Be When I Grow Up

I feel like I am stuck.  I cannot move forward.  I want to finish my last 2 college classes to get my degree in criminal justice administration because I would like to go to law school.  Problem with that is money…took out to many loans so have to pay some back before i can get more. Great!  So now I have to work, i don’t mind working before I had kids I worked a lot and went to school, no problem there. 

Now I can not work as much because i work days he works nights and my mother broke her foot and can not help out as much and grandparents get tired easily when running around after a 2 1/2 and 1 1/2 little girls, when my mom watched them for 2 nights in a row she slept all day the next day.. see too much pressure on grandma!  then when you think of hiring a babysitter then you are really only working that second job to pay the babysitter!   So I continue my job search (please feel free to read prior blog “job search”). 

The next crossroads what do I want to do other than what I can do, do I step out on a limb?  I refuse to go backwards and end up back at burger king where I started.  That is not a dig, BK was my first job and I was there from when I was 16 and stayed with them until I  finished four years at my first college.      I want more, but don’t know what I want to be when I grow up! I can’t get in to an entry-level position at a law office because they want experienced paralegals..and you need school for that..which I can’t get just yet.  Now would be the part in a movie or my most favorite tv show Being Erica where I would get a glimpse of how to change my present by fixing my regrets or an opportunity would just appear at my doorstep…ok world here is my doorstep im opening if you are knocking!!!

JOB SEARCH…

I am currently employed in retail but have been actively looking for a new job in a field that I am qualified for since october.  I am looking for work as an administrative assistant or medical secretary I have about 10 yrs experience in that field.  I have had no call backs or anything I am beyond frustrated.  I don’t understand what the problem is????  The qualifications are all things that I am doing, or have done, i have a high school diploma  I am almost finished with college except 2 classes..that is another whole blog…  people say it’s easier to find a job when you’re working..yeah not having that kind of luck.  The thing is im not being picky; I just need something more than 17 hrs a week at 8 dollars an hour.  Just need 30 hrs a week 10-13 dollars would be nice but as long as it was 30 hrs I would take anything at this point. 

So please oh great universe I am asking for someone to shoot some magic arrow im the one screaming pick me people pick me..im smart a quick learner and a damn good hard worker!!  PICK ME!!!!!

Blog pressure

I was told that I would be a good blogger, mind you I have no clue what I am doing, but that I would be good.  So I started one..duh, because hopefully you’re reading it!   Then someone else mentioned how do you know if you are blogging the right way? I guess I didn’t realize that there was a wrong way to simply write or tap out my thoughts on a keyboard landing them  onto a screen and into a space where other may happen to read them.  But apparently there is, oh well I said if I am wrong then I will learn as time goes on. 

I am ok with learning as I go, but here is the best part, I am looking through tags to check out other blogs and all of these ideas for a blog post come to me until I realize that oh my GOD these blogs are great, witty great layouts, catchy titles cute phrases and pictures and mine is oh so simple…and now I am feeling it my shoulders are getting heavy and my  heart is pounding and racing and my palms are sweaty and I realize I AM NOT BLOGGING THE RIGHT WAY…AAARRRGGGGHHHH….

But wait a minute let me take a deep breath and exhale repeat a few times if necessary, ok heart almost back to normal; palms not as sweaty and I can think.  I am reasoning to myself that A) I just simply learned to blog maybe a week ago(I have to check the date of my first post, sad I know); B) I was just telling my best friend that I liked this because it helps me sort things out; so that leads me to C) why do I care if theirs is better than mine?  I am an adult writing for me to help me and find me-what other people have on their blogs should entertain me and inspire me, not make me feel pressure!!!  

But sadly although I do feel entertained, excited and inspired I do slightly feel jealous as well because simply I am me and human and sometimes jealous!  Admitting the problem is the first step to no pressure!!!

AFTER CRYING COMES….

I always thought that once you grieved or cried it or out got it over and done with the loss of  a loved one was easier to handle.  I think I was wrong.  Now I get these random pangs of nostalgic emptiness at the oddest times.  And it is isn’t as if you miss the  bad of that person or that you dwell on the bad aspects it is just that you miss all the good.  For instance I was just doing the dishes and reflecting on my day and some crappy news (the 2 jobs I interviewed for picked someone else) and as my hands were going through the motion of wash rinse, repeat my brain started thinking of my dad and then as the water became lukewarm I started to realize that my stomach had this hole.  I’m not hungry although I could probably eat; as I am an emotional eater but more of a black sadness hole and the more I washed I realized that I wasnt sad, or angry but lonely and empty. 

 I MISS MY DAD, I just wanted to pick up the phone and call him, which we know is impossible (for those of you just tuning in please feel free to read my previous post a backwards southern funeral).  Is it really that impossible though? I hold in my possession a portion of his ashes,( they are in a jar in a box because the jar was clear and I don’t have the funds for an urn or an ashes necklace) the box is in sight but I just can’t bring myself to sit down and talk to him or even lay in bed and talk to him as if he could hear me.  It is not going to be the same, which I know this, I knew this the morning I got the phone call.  But I seem to think that the next step in my world which equals me being able to talk to him needs to happen so that I wont get hit as hard by these random holes of loneliness  or urges to hear him tell it is all going to be ok. 

I guess the real question is how long that will be?  I didn’t actually cry for him or the loss of him until March 5, 2011 two days before my grandmother died as we were all sitting at the nursing home waiting for her to pass.  Something about seeing her like that and everyone else having their parent figure and child there made me realize that I didn’t have mine, I guess that was the straw that broke my back.  I guess the only thing to do is wait and see I am sure that something will happen that will allow me to let myself talk to him.  Until then I will be waiting.

Hair DO or DONT Blues

My girls are 16 months and 2 1/2 and bi-racial.  The oldest has a head of nappy hair and the youngest has more my hair its thin but as curly as can be.  I try to do what I can with their hair i.e. i put pink lotion and use detangling spray so I can put them into manageable pony tails or just let them go naturally.  In my opinion they wont sit still for me so why would they sit still for a stranger to do their hair in a pulling and tight style i.e. braids that hurt?  They are only going to daycare they don’t need the freshest style around.  Their father disagrees.  He wants their hair done.  We were visiting his family once and I asked who was going to their hair and they laughed, that just made me feel as if they just didn’t want to. 

He wants some stranger to do their hair, he thinks that they will sit perfectly still while this person combs, pulls and styles their hair….and that I’m wrong in thinking they wont sit still.  he says they need to learn to sit still and have their done and that I have no clue what I am doing.  Okay, maybe I ask  for advice on what hair products to buy and maybe I just do pony tails with barrettes. But arent I still teaching them to sit still and do their hair?  No I don’t it every day, but who does?  I have seen people do their children hair or grandchildren’s hair and they tell me that in order for them  to sit still they pop them upside their head with the comb or their hand or whatever, I have enough bad memories of my mother doing my hair why should I inflict the same?  

I am open to any comments or suggestions, thanks

Weight loss! boo Weight gain…

So I have always had problems with my weight..big suprise there I bet, on 4/25/2010 I weighed 320 lbs..my largest size and weight ever, this was after I had 2 children 14 months apart but needless to say it was big, so i went on weight watchers and off of weight watcher and back on again until recently when the weight just started falling off.  That is when I found out I had/have graves disease..on 2/27/11 I hit my lowest weight yet 249.2…whoo hoo, and then I had surgery, no more thyroid no more graves disease..nomore rapid weight loss…and so as I weighed in today I gasped and hoped my scale was wrong, but alas it wasnt I gained 11 lbs.   They said it would happen that my metabolism would drop and I would have to work extra hard and as you can see I was hoping they were wrong.  No such luck.  Now that I am cleared to go back to work and perform activity I am getting my butt back on to my WII FIT PLUS and trying to lose not only those 11 lbs but anything else with it….time to think and eat skinny again, so why do I want to eat the rest of the choc chip cookie dough?  maybe I will just work out twice as long tomorrow night?

Daycare Blues

So at the end of February my daughters daycare moved, they have been home with me since I was recovering from surgery.  After much looking we found a daycare that was close to home in walking distance and one that the girls like instantly.  Now I realize that some of you may be thinking how can a 2 1/2 and a 16 month old know what they like well they have always known since they were about 2 months old and since they will be spending their days there it is important for them to actually like the place.

Any who as I am rambling here, today was their first day and my oldest was excited to go play with  her new friends and their toys and play tools.  at least she was until she realized that mommy and daddy werent staying so of course once one cries the other cries…so we hurried up and left. 

Once again I have the daycare blues.  I am happy to have some peace and quiet while I go to the bathroom by myself..but I  am sad that I had to leave them like that.  Although I know that they will be just fine and it is just an adjustment period.  Give me a week and hopefully most of the nagging feeling in my belly will disappear or at least the urge to call every 10 minutes..hopefully

Backwards Southern Funeral?

December 10, 2009 I got a phone call at 8 something am and I ignored it, the phone rang again and it fell so I didn’t bother to pick it up.  On the 3rd time I answered and it was my sister telling me that my dad had died, I sat up and said what? and she repeated that he died that morning.  All I said was Oh.  He was sick but not terminal.  This was a large shock, but here I was just going oh, and part of me was wondering where are the loud theatrics I thought would happen..the NOOOOO’S  and TELL ME THIS ISNT HAPPENING, but they never came.  

Now comes the fun family trip down to South Carolina.  We have to drive quickly because there was no embalming.  He was to be cremated and they were doing it quickly we had to be there by Saturday. My girls stayed home with their father and I drove with my aunt, cousin and brother who we picked up in d.c..  We get there in time to eat and then go to the funeral home so see my father…oh here there were some hysterics.

I didn’t want to go in.  I was content to stay outside.  but no one would go in until my brother and I went in first, as the other siblings who lived there had already gone in.  So I enter and the part that makes me so mad is the fact that he was laying on a stretcher in a t-shirt, and you could see him strapped in…we had to rush there for that?  I mean really?  I could have gone to the morgue for that.  So I cried.  we then have about 20 minutes total to say our goodbyes which none are private, which means we drove 16 hours straight to my dead father strapped on a gurney and had to share 20 minutes with everyone else who drove down.  I was not thinking that was fair but again I played nice with the other siblings and their mother because my mother taught me manners.  

The next morning we were at a church where the pastor did a ceremony as a favor for before mentioned sister, which was entirely crazy because he mentioned some of the 6 kids and 2 kids who weren’t his but didn’t mention the ones that were there…needless to say I didn’t mind leaving.  And people wondered why it took me over a year to actually cry and deal with it..all i can think about is a stretcher…

Mr. Clean incarnate

My significant other is many things but I think he channels Mr. Clean the most.  I know some of you maybe thinking are complaining because he cleans?  No.  I love that he will make the house sparkle and shine .  BUT we have decided that he cleans and I stay out-of-the-way or do one assigned task at  a time.   All of this is simply  because  he gives me bad flash backs of my mother when I  was growing up.

My mother would have me clean something, vacuum the dishes sweep whatever, but it was never right enough so she would get frustrated and do it herself again or make me redo it until it was perfect..(maybe it is a Libra thing because they are both Libra’s?)  well he does the same thing..he just “re-organized” the top of the refrigerator because he said everything was up there and it seemed clustered..so i go back and sneak a peek, he took off two things and then eve so carefully folded the plastic of the bread ends down and laid the other bread on top….sorry i missed one…

Then there are the times I say don’t worry I’ll get this as soon as the girls are asleep, his reply, “don’t worry about it, ill do it” ok so I wait and then nothing, but if I wait for him to do it, then something is muttered about letting it go….Wait a minute I think I got it.. isn’t that the trap we use?  LOL

Despite all of the “flashback” issues i have I really am grateful every time my own “Mr.Clean” shows up.  Without him I would have to listen to my mother lecture me every time she comes over!!!  So hats off or is it earing off? to my wonderful Mr. Clean, I am sure you will be finding a way for me to rectify this now that you know I am blogging about this!

Hello world!

Hello my name is Sarah and incase you didn’t guess already by my title I am 31 and lost.  I am the mother of 2 girls; toddlers in fact 2 1/2 and 16 months.  I work in retail and decided to try blogging as a creative way to journey through life’s ups and downs and I have had a lot in the past 2 years.  I will probably cover topics that range from my children to grief and relationships.  I hope that people will be intrigued enough to want to hear what I have to stay and compelled to want to come back for more. 

See you in the next post!